What I Really Meant to Say
by completetherainbow
Summary: After Dean has left Lisa he desperately wants to tell Cas how much he still loves him. But, will he have the guts? Will they just keep dancing around each other? And will Bobby be able to help? Will Cas finally tell Dean how he feels? Continuation of And Still NOW COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

__AN: Part Two! Yay! No, really, I wish I had this kind of inspiration while writing **_Saving_ Me**. Meh, but such is the way of writers block. SO, I gotta do my writing where I can. Anywho, for those who subscribed, here you go. For those you who didn't and just read, and didn't review, thanks for reading, but please review and tell me what you think! I wanna know if you hate it too! Also, owners are Kripke and Cyndi Thompson.

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_It took me by surprise when I saw you standing there. _Dean had seen the angel for the first time in almost ten months, since the time on the street. Dean's breath caught in his throat and it killed him to know that they weren't together. He wished he had stayed, with Cas, and not gone to Lisa. But, Lisa was what he thought he had wanted. And he found out that she wasn't.

_Close enough to touch, breathing the same air._ He looked Cas up and down. He still wore that damned suit and trench coat. God, how he wished he could cuddle up into it.

"H-hey, Cas," he managed to get out. Cas tilted his head at the stutter, but didn't question it.

"Hello, Dean," Castiel replied. "How are you?"

Dean closed his eyes for a moment. He honestly didn't know how he could answer him. Dean had just walked in to Bobby's, for their weekly lunch, but had seen Sam's Charger outside and assumed only Sam would be here. He wasn't really prepared to see the man he was so desperately in love with.

_You'd asked me how I'd been, I guess that's when I smiled and said, "Just fine."_

The angel nodded at this response, not really sensing the internal war Dean was currently having. Cas turned to speak with Sam, thoroughly ignoring Dean now.

_Oh, but baby, I was lying._ Dean wanted to scream and push Cas into the nearest wall and... he didn't know what. Ravish him? Tell him how much he needed the angel? Punch him?

_What I really mean to say is I'm dying here inside. And I miss you more each day. There's not a night I haven't cried. And, baby, here's the truth... I'm still in love with you. That's what I really meant to say._

He could feel his heart breaking again. He looked over to see Bobby staring at him. He nodded to him and looked out the window, not wanting to listen to the conversation. But, shortly the conversation died, and Castiel was leaving.

_As you walked away, the echo of my words cut just like a knife._ Why didn't he tell him how he was really feeling? Why didn't he say that he still needed the angel?

_It cut so deep it hurt._ He could almost physically feel the pain of how much he ached to just... touch Cas. It was like Hell, only worse. He closed his eyes, feeling the tears begin to brim. Did Castiel just feel nothing for him anymore?

_I held back the tears, held onto my pride, and watched you go._ He watched as Castiel dissappeared. A sigh of relief and anguish left him.

_I wonder if he'll ever know._ But, probably not. Dean didn't have the balls to tell him, and he knew Bobby wouldn't ever say a thing to him. He couldn't take the extra pain if Cas turned him down. He didn't know if he could live with the knowledge that Castiel didn't love him anymore.

But, he wanted to tell him so bad. And he knew that he would always love Castiel. Would always wait for him.

_What I really meant to say is I'm really not that strong. And no matter how I try, I'm still holding on. And here's the honest truth... I'm still in love with you. _That's_ what I really meant to say._


	2. Chapter 2

AN: So, here is chapter two. I don't know how long this specific part of the series is gonna be, the last one was completely planned, bu this one is just spewing from my fingertips. It's kinda cool. So, here is Bobby, getting pissy. Ownership belongs to Kripke and James Blunt. Please don't forget to REVIEW!

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"Bobby," a gravelly voice sounded behind the aged hunter.

He turned from where he was looking through one of his research books. The angel stood there, a look of distraught on his face. The blue eyes holding a sadness he hadn't seen since.. well, Dean, actually. Just the other day. When the boy had to watch an almost stoic Castiel walk from the house without really so much as a "see you later". But, in the eyes of the angel, it was probably a true concern.

"What's wrong?" Bobby asked, seeing what looked like tears in his eyes.

"It's... Joshua." Came the reply, as he wiped his face.

Oh-kay... who the hell is Joshua?

"He is the angel of the Garden of Eden." Castiel replied, reading his mind.

"Damn it, don't do that!" Bobby growled, but then sobered, "What's wrong with Joshua?"

Cas sighed and looked down, "Our Father speaks only to Joshua. We don't know why, but he does." He looked back up, "He has declared something. Soon, and we're not sure when, all angels and demons will be banished to Heaven and Hell... forever. To only watch humanity, but not to interact."

Bobby shook his head. Okay, a world without demons... that wouldn't be such a bad thing. But, if God was banishing both sides to their respective corners, that meant that Cas-

"Exactly." Cas said, again, reading his thoughts. "I don't know what to do!"

"And what exactly do you want me to do about it?" Bobby asked, crossing his arms. There was no way he could just walk up to God, even if he did know where the bastard was, and convince him to not do this!

"Not about the banishment, about Dean!" Castiel whined, "What do I do about him?"

"What about him?" Bobby replied, eyes narrowing. Time to see what the angel was made of. Would he have the balls to do something?

"What do I tell him?" The angel said, looking around the room, "Do I just say goodbye? Or do I even tell him?"

'Oh, for the love of Jesus!' Bobby thought, rubbing his temples, "What in the hell is wrong with you? Tell him you love him, you idjit!"

Castiel met him with wide, shocked, scared eyes, "I-I... I don't think I could do that, Bobby. He... He has already proven that he doesn't love me, anymore. I don't think I could handle knowing that he would probably just laugh at me."

"First of all," Bobby said, pointing at the angel, "if you professed your love to him, he would not laugh at you. Dean would never do that." He then adjusted his hat, "Secondly, grow some balls, develop some guts, and just say something." He rolled his eyes.

"I've seen some crazy shit, in my day, Cas," Bobby said, pulling up his chair. "Especially as a soldier."

_"There are children, standing there,"_ he started, holding the angels attention. _"Arms out stretched, up to the sky. With tears drying on their face." Oh, he had been there. _"They were praying, Cas, for salvation. For an end to the pain. For love. Love you have." He shook his head.

"I've seen death, too. In war. And in hunting." Bobby continued. _"Brothers lying in shallow graves, fathers... lost. Without a trace. The entire world is blind to their disgrace. I've been there."_ He turned his eyes to Castiel. "And, just when the world could use just the tiniest bit more love, you pussy out." Bobby stared deep into the angels eyes. _"I see no bravery in your eyes anymore. Only sadness."_

"Bobby, I'm not sure what to say." Castiel responded.

"So, shut up." Bobby snapped, "I'm not finished." He scratched his beard, contemplating. "When I went over to Nam... I was a medical soldier. I saw things that... would kill a lesser man. And would destroy a better man." Swallowing, he continued, "Men... women, they all loved each other. Like tomorrow would never come. For them, it never did. And, right now, that is happening to you, Castiel. Tomorrow may never come, and instead of being with the one you love, like they were, you're here... bitching."

Bobby stood, agitated, "I've seen too much shit to let you boys feel for one another, and not step in because you ain't man enough to do something." His eyes became far away, remembering.

_"Houses... burnt beyond repair, while the smell of death hung in the air."_ He could still taste the burnt flesh on his tongue. _"A woman, weeping in dispair, I've been there."_ He looked back to the man sitting, "I've even seen your fathers handy work. _The tracer lightning in the sky."_ He shook his head. "I ran to help, but it was too late. _It was another family's turn to die._" He snorted, "That little boy. _The child too afraid to even cry out. I've _been _there."_

He sneered at the angel, _"The children standing there, arms out stretched to the sky, but no, no one asks the question '_why_'."_ Shaking his head, _"Old men kneeling and _accept_ their fate, while their wives and daughters were cut and raped. Our entire generation was _drenched in hate._ I've been _there._"_ But, again, he sat, almost defeated, looking imploringly at the angel.

_"And I see... no bravery. In your eyes, anymore." _He sighed, _"Only sadness."_

Castiel was looking at Bobby with wide eyes, a different emotion brewing in them. Sympathy.

"I'm sorry, Bobby. That you had to go through that." Cas said, offering his hand.

"It's not the end of the world, Cas, you just gotta man up, and tell Dean that you have feelings for hims still, so that the time you have left really means something." Bobby said, accepting the comfort. "Go, it's getting late. You can tell him tomorrow."

With a nod, and a flap of wings, Castiel disappeared.

Snorting, Bobby pulled his research book back to him, and fingered the drink he had poured just before the angel had gotten there.

'Was never a goddamned soldier. They said my eye sight was too poor...' he thought to himself, as he read up on incubi.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Final installment for this part of the series! Yeah-ya! I loved writing this one. It made me happy and sad... I love Castiel in this one. He's made his decision, and he's going to stick with it. So, in the next part it's about their relationship rebudding. It'll be nice.

All ownership is not mine, it's Kripke's and Brooks'.

Please REVIEW! Thanks!

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_Sometimes late at night, I sit and watch him sleeping. _He wasn't proud of this. Nor was he ever going to tell anyone, no matter who it was, that he did it. But, yes, Castiel watched Dean sleep. It was so peaceful. He could do it for hours, days, perhaps.

More so, recently, since he last spoke with Joshua. The other angel, the gardening angel, had come to Castiel, telling him that one day, sooner than he might know, Castiel was going to no longer exist. Not on earth anyway.

_He's lost in peaceful dreams._ He doesn't have a care in the world in those dreams. He, Castiel, knows what Dean dreams of. A house, with a white picket fence, a wife with a child or two. Normalcy. That is what Dean dreams of the most. Not him, though. Dean doesn't dream of Castiel, the angel thinks.

_So, I turn out the lights._ Dean usually leaves the lamp on beside him, which Castiel always ends up turning off. Dean has never questioned anyone about it, and Castiel has never spoken up. After that, Cas crawls into the bed, careful not to rouse the sleeping hunter. He doesn't need sleep, but he wouldn't want to, even if he did.

_I lay there in the dark._ His Father must have worked hard to create Dean. His face is absolutely stunning. His face is not frowned, like it normally is when awake. Completely relaxed, his eyes gently closed. He sleeps with his full pink lips parted, inviting someone to kiss him. Though Castiel never does. 'What if I never get the chance to?' Cas wondered.

_And the thought crosses my mind, if we never wake up in the morning, would he ever have doubted the way I feel about him in my heart?_ The thought caused Castiels chest to clench. Because, one day, Dean will have to wake up without Castiel in the world. And, if that day comes... when that day comes, it will be the final day for Castiel. He found himself wrapping a protective arm around Dean's torso.

_If tomorrow never comes, will he know how much I love him? Did I try in every way to show him _every _day the he's my only one?_ Cas thought, and realized the answer was 'no'. It made a tear well into his eyes. _And if my time on earth were through, and he had to face this world without me, is the love I gave him in the past going to be enough to last? If... tomorrow never comes._

He needed to prove to Dean that he still, and always would love him and need him.

_'Casue I've lost loved ones in my life who never knew how much I loved them. _He hadn't had the chance to tell his lost brethren, the ones who lost their live during the attempted apocalypse, that he cared for them. He hoped today that they had known, but he didn't tell them that he cared, or loved, them.

_Now I live with the regret that my feelings for them were never revealed._ He should have told them, so that they could've died knowing that someone cared.

He wasn't going to let Dean wonder forever if Castiel had loved him.

_So, I've made a promise to myself, I'll say each day how much he means to me._ He was going to tell him, the moment he woke, that he loved Dean with his entire being. That it wouldn't change, and he was going to say it every day from that moment on, as long as he had the chance to say it.

_And avoid the circumstance where there is no second chance to tell him how I feel._ Because one day, soon, he won't be able to tell him. Castiel didn't know if he could live with himself if that were to happen.

_Because if tomorrow never comes, will he know how much I love him?_ Yes, he declared to himself. _Did I try in _every_ way to show him _every _day that he's my only one?_ Yes, I will, he thought. _And if my time on Earth is through, and he must face this world without me, is the love I gave him in the past going to be enough to last, if tomorrow never comes?_ No, it wasn't, Castiel thought, but that didn't mean that he couldn't make up for it.

Because he now realized there is nothing more important to him than Deans happiness, and Dean knowing that Castiel has, does, and always will love him. And one day soon, he, Dean, will have to know the world without Cas as a comfort. He won't leave him never knowing his loving touch again.

Especially, if tomorrow never comes.


End file.
